I’m sure others can relate and I know I’m not alone, but that doesn’t change the feeling I keep hidden deep inside of me that I am truly alone. How many of you feel overwhelmed more often than not? Do you feel inadequate? Not up to par? Not fulfilling your families needs? Feel like you’re not doing enough? Feel ugly? Feel like you’re not the most desired wife? Feel as if you’re not living up to your household title? I’m pretty sure the majority of you would have raised your hand to at the very least one of these. This is my problem. Not feeling good enough. Most of this is not true. But a big part of it is very true.
I am not the best me that I can be.
I have been feeling very down on myself for a long while now and I kept it inside for way too long. For those of you that know me personally, know that is a very bad habit I have possessed nearly forever. I have been hiding behind a smile. Much like those catchy, upbeat songs everyone enjoys so much until you remove the catchy beat. Sometimes, if you actually listen to the words you find the song you thought was so perfect is actually full of sadness.
I finally exploded two weeks ago.
“You were going to take a shower tonight,” my husband inserted as a reminder into the midst of a tense discussion.
I looked at the clock to read quarter passed 11 at night. That was the end. I completely let loose and started bawling. Such a simple statement was the final pluck on a damaged string. I tore. The force stung as it sprung back and hit me in the gut. False lyrics hidden behind a wondrous melody came to life. As the tune was drowned out, truth behind the happy beat revealed itself as a preface to the rest of my week.
Even before I exploded I was trying to do little things to feel better and feel more accomplished. I was spending less time using the computer in my free time. Now, it’s not like I spend my day staring at my computer. I’m a stay at home mom and there’s just simply no way I could do that. But instead of wasting my free time with meaningless browsing or game playing, I would use that time for extra outside play with the kids instead. Or doing the dishes or cleaning out a cupboard. But, Since this discussion I have decided to slowly try and make myself feel better about myself and enjoy life.
But why did such a simple reminder about showering get me going? Lets rewind.
It was 2am Thursday morning and I was finally in bed. Way too late. And yet I still hadn’t gone to sleep. The kids kept taking turns waking up. If one was asleep the other was awake. I was just finally dozing when I heard my cat in the underneath storage pockets of the bassinet (yes, it’s still chillin’ in my room). I just had a feeling; so I got up to check. Sure enough my cat was peeing in it. My cats just don’t do this. Ever. I was immediately mad at her. But only for a split second until I realized she was peeing blood. I didn’t know what to do at that moment so I just went to bed while I could. The next morning I called the vet and got her seen. Details here. Some more details. And more boring details. She has Bladder stones. Depending on the type of bladder stone she has, she may need expensive surgery. She was kept over night and I went home.
My husband and I were discussing this issue for hours on and off. But mostly on. Our view points on ‘boring details’ differed and I was furious. Then. He struck me with “You were going to take a shower tonight.”
The stress of the vet appointment and forgetting to shower during the stress on top of everything else I was keeping locked up inside had me spewing everything that had been bothering me.
I just didn’t feel good enough. In any aspect. Not a good enough Mother. Also, a selfish mother. Not a good enough wife. Not a good enough house keeper. My best, and only, friend of 18 years hadn’t talked to me in months and I didn’t know why. I felt ugly. Trying to get signed up for college classes. We’ve recently started a small veggie garden that I need to maintain. Trying to plan my baby’s first birthday party. Not having friends or family close by to help with anything. I don’t get to drop my kids off for a few hours or over night with Grandma and Grandpa or their Aunties or Uncle so I can enjoy some time alone or a date night with my husband. Ever. My sister is always busy working and isn’t around enough to take them for ice cream. My youngest sister is not old enough to drive yet. And my other sister, is a whole other topic. My in-laws are even further away. I feel like I am letting my kids down by not having the capability of seeing family the way a family should. Other than my husband I have no help with anything. I can’t even remember the last time my husband and I did something just the two of us.
The reason I had to take that shower was because I had to get up early with the kids and didn’t want to worry about showering with two awake kids.I had to get all three of us changed, fed, showered, and out the door all on my own for an 8am non-routine dentist appointment for my baby. It took everything I had while the dentist was talking to me not to burst into tears from what she was saying to me. It was my fault and there was no way around it. That added to everything that was discussed the night before made me think that I might curl up into a ball and hibernate until next spring.
Breath. A lot of these things are easily fixed. I can feel good about myself if I let myself. And so can you. You just have to do it.
I have been feeling a bit better the past week. It’s not going to fix itself over night or on it’s own. I’m outside more often. With or without the kids, but usually with because it’s more fun, obviously! I leave the house more often in search of things to to that do not involve the walls of my home. I’ve gotten a few new items of summer clothes so I can stop wearing the same junk from before my husband and I got married. Now I don’t feel like trash when I go out anywhere. I have also gotten myself involved with physical activities and exorcise at a local gym. It’s helping me feel better already. I’m (slowly) working on being a less selfish mother when it comes to my not so little baby anymore. I’m going to be getting back on the ball with class enrollment soon and I plan on volunteering at some point in the near future.
I can do this. Can you?